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"Don't think that dreaming over a tiny bit of wedding cake under your pillow will get you a man to marry. You've been unlucky in the past, Buttercup ... and never suspected the reason. Your future looks pretty dark, too -- unless you make yourself more attractive. After all, you can't blame a man for dropping a girl who's careless about her breath ..."

Yes, it takes more than that, Buttercup, but it's a good place to start. Not only would some Listerine help with the stank-breath, you might want to ditch the cake completely before the colony of ants living under your pillowcase starts laying eggs in your hair.